My Life Diary

Most days I go to sleep thinking "Tomorrow is the day", lying to myself once again about getting my life together. I honestly don't know what is making me struggle so much this time around. I usually get the blues a few times a year, and with the help of my loved ones, I'm back within a few days, but this time I can't seem to be able to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm not sure if it's the state of the world, me not working at ODA anymore, or losing friendships I once cherished. Maybe it's a combination of all things. Maybe it's the fact that I've been dreaming of the baby I lost in 2019, or thinking of the time lost with my mom since my move. Or maybe it's the thought of hundreds of families dying all over the world because of some colonizers who think they can do whatever they want.  Maybe it's just my period... I have no idea what is causing me to want to cry every day, binge watch Bones, and not leave my house. But wh...

Today I turn 30, and I wanted to write a letter to my 13 year old self, who, at one point, thought we'd never make it to 30. You could say it's my 13 going on 30 letter: Dear Madai,  How I wish I could be with you, and give you a big tight hug. I know your 13th birthday was not what you wanted, especially because it happened miles and miles away from all your friends. This year is going to be very hard. You will have a lot of ups and downs, and some very very dark moments, but some good news, this is the year you stop self harming! I know, it's hard to believe you get the things you need and the people you need to help you stop doing that, but you do. And now at 30, those scars are almost non-existent. you have a few left, but you have a beautiful palm tree tattoo to cover them up, and it serves as a reminder to bend, but never break.  I wish I could tell you the dark days also end, but unfortunately, your teen years will have many many dark days. In fact, you have a few sc...

For the last 17 years of my life, I have battled with anxiety and depression. It's been so long that I actually can't remember what life was like without them. If you've never dealt with either of them, let me try to explain what it's like.  My depression tells me to stay in bed, to sleep, and to do nothing. It leaves me with little to no energy to do anything. I struggle to brush my hair, brush my teeth, shower, change out of my PJs, or eat, and ultimately just want to cease to exist. I know it sounds bad, but that's how it is. I hate it for my partner because he spends all his time trying to help me. He makes sure I eat, I at least move from the bedroom to the living room, and pushes me to leave the apartment, but then my depression isn't the only thing that gets me.  When I can't leave my bed, as much as I want to just sleep, I can't. My anxiety takes over and makes me think of the time I was in 4th grade and peed myself because my teacher didn't ...

 Last week I had therapy and my therapist had some things to say.  I told her these last few days have been very low for me. low energy, no motivation to do much, and I was struggling to do what I wanted. She told me it was normal for someone who is transitioning. I looked at her confused af and then she told me. "you are trying to move on, and you're not allowing yourself to mourn and grieve the actual transition." she then went on to explain that as much as I want to close this last chapter and move on I can't.  I sat there pondering on her words, and she was right. I didn't want to think about anything that had to do with the chapter I was closing. I was struggling to define my roles and my boundaries, and simply struggling to outline what I truly want from this new chapter. I've been struggling to even imagine what I want from this new chapter.  I feel like I'm 19 years old again trying to figure out what to do with my life.  While in therapy, my thera...

Deciding to quit my job and become a full-time content creator was one of the most difficult decisions I've made. Mostly because it's something I'm doing for me. I'm doing this for me, not because I expect to become famous and or rich, but because I want to lean into my creative side. My entire life I dedicated it to my career and being "successful" whatever that means, but I was never truly happy or content.  I mean I was happy while I taught in the US, pero teaching in Mexico wasn't the same and honestly it made me lose the love I once had for teaching. Then working for a non-profit, was great, until it wasn't. I loved my job, but it was a bit demanding and I found myself not having time to do things I liked. I was always busy or too tired.  I didn't have time to write, make videos, or even post on IG.  I didn't have the energy to edit, or to paint.  ODA helped me discover how much I love to paint and helped me fall in love with writing poems...

 Happy New Year!!  I had been writing during the holiday week, but didn't like how everything turned out so I hadn't published anything, but here's to more writing this 2024.  I had written a letter to myself for 2024 but decided I want to keep that to myself, instead, I want to share some things I look forward to this year, and some goals I have.   I know we all always set goals for the new year, and somewhere down the line we all forget them and go back to old habits, or simply forget those goals with the business of life. My goals for this year, in my opinion, have been carefully measured and deadlines have been set, so let's hope I can maintain them. Again, I won't share all my goals because one of the lessons 2023 left me was to move in silence, but since I usually share my entire life with you all, I will move somewhat in silence this 2024.  For this year I have simple, yet not easy goals.  1) I want to be more active on all my social media. I wa...