Thirty, flirty and thriving...

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Today I turn 30, and I wanted to write a letter to my 13 year old self, who, at one point, thought we'd never make it to 30. You could say it's my 13 going on 30 letter:

Dear Madai, 

How I wish I could be with you, and give you a big tight hug. I know your 13th birthday was not what you wanted, especially because it happened miles and miles away from all your friends. This year is going to be very hard. You will have a lot of ups and downs, and some very very dark moments, but some good news, this is the year you stop self harming! I know, it's hard to believe you get the things you need and the people you need to help you stop doing that, but you do. And now at 30, those scars are almost non-existent. you have a few left, but you have a beautiful palm tree tattoo to cover them up, and it serves as a reminder to bend, but never break. 

I wish I could tell you the dark days also end, but unfortunately, your teen years will have many many dark days. In fact, you have a few scares that truly make you think we might not make it to 30, but I'm here to tell you that despite all of those lows, despite all the tears, things do get better for us. I promise you, things get so much better it actually weirds you out at first and you have trouble adjusting. Now, I don't want you to think things are perfect, because nothing is, but I can tell you that for 90% of the time you are so happy, so filled with joy, that it weirds you out. It takes you a while to adjust to actually be happy and love the life you have. 

How'd we get there you might ask? well, te cuento, eventually we find an amazing therapist who helps us understand why we feel so sad and helpless and angry. Then you meet some amazing friends, you'll meet them in a couple of years actually, they really help you. To this day they are your two closest friends, and they pull through for you, so be nice to them, and always stick up for them. We also go to college, and you won't believe it, but you meet the love of your life, and between you and me, you both needed each other and ended up saving one another. I don't want you thinking he's perfect, because he's not, none of us are, but he truly loves you and helps you fall in love with yourself. 

We're finally 30, and comfortable with who we are. We learned that not only are we bi, but also gender fluid, and when we come to that realization, it is like a huge weight gets lifted off of us. We finally understand who we are, and in turn, it helps us heal so many wounds from our teenage selves. Getting to 30 was not easy, but baby girl we did it, and I am so so so proud of you and me. 

Love you always, 
Madai <3  

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