deep end

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Most days I go to sleep thinking "Tomorrow is the day", lying to myself once again about getting my life together. I honestly don't know what is making me struggle so much this time around. I usually get the blues a few times a year, and with the help of my loved ones, I'm back within a few days, but this time I can't seem to be able to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I'm not sure if it's the state of the world, me not working at ODA anymore, or losing friendships I once cherished. Maybe it's a combination of all things. Maybe it's the fact that I've been dreaming of the baby I lost in 2019, or thinking of the time lost with my mom since my move. Or maybe it's the thought of hundreds of families dying all over the world because of some colonizers who think they can do whatever they want. 

Maybe it's just my period...

I have no idea what is causing me to want to cry every day, binge watch Bones, and not leave my house. But whatever it is, I need it to leave... I need my mind back, I need to be productive with my life... or maybe that's just another lie I tell myself. 

How I wish I could just stop thinking...I wish I wasn't sad all the time, not even a little...

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