Falling into the darkness..

For the last 17 years of my life, I have battled with anxiety and depression. It's been so long that I actually can't remember what life was like without them. If you've never dealt with either of them, let me try to explain what it's like. 

My depression tells me to stay in bed, to sleep, and to do nothing. It leaves me with little to no energy to do anything. I struggle to brush my hair, brush my teeth, shower, change out of my PJs, or eat, and ultimately just want to cease to exist. I know it sounds bad, but that's how it is. I hate it for my partner because he spends all his time trying to help me. He makes sure I eat, I at least move from the bedroom to the living room, and pushes me to leave the apartment, but then my depression isn't the only thing that gets me. 

When I can't leave my bed, as much as I want to just sleep, I can't. My anxiety takes over and makes me think of the time I was in 4th grade and peed myself because my teacher didn't let me go to the restroom, and then it wonders where that teacher is, and if they remember the student they had in 2004 that peed her pants, and if they told future students about her. And then my brain switches to think about the book I've been trying to write for the last few years, and who would ever even read it, and then it reminds me of the time I left my ring on top of the toilet and it was accidentally flushed and I cried and wonder if someone ever found it at the water plant, and if they did, did they get it? did they gift it? sell it? Where could it be? And next thing I know it's 5 am and I'm still awake, with a migraine on the rise. 

My depression doesn't want to think, my anxiety can't stop thinking, and I fall into the darkness. 

This has been me for the past few weeks. It's a never-ending cycle, it happens every year, and I am trying to do better, but it sucks.