time to mourn and moving on...

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 Last week I had therapy and my therapist had some things to say. 

I told her these last few days have been very low for me. low energy, no motivation to do much, and I was struggling to do what I wanted. She told me it was normal for someone who is transitioning. I looked at her confused af and then she told me. "you are trying to move on, and you're not allowing yourself to mourn and grieve the actual transition." she then went on to explain that as much as I want to close this last chapter and move on I can't. 

I sat there pondering on her words, and she was right. I didn't want to think about anything that had to do with the chapter I was closing. I was struggling to define my roles and my boundaries, and simply struggling to outline what I truly want from this new chapter. I've been struggling to even imagine what I want from this new chapter. 

I feel like I'm 19 years old again trying to figure out what to do with my life. 

While in therapy, my therapist asked me who Madai is aside from being a teacher and activist, and I just sat there because that's who I am. it's who I have been for the past several years. And I guess the question here is if I want to continue being these things. Hence feeling like I'm 19 again. Trying to feel all the feels, crying all the tears, and mourning who I have been to open the possibilities to who I can be. 

So, here's to me writing more, filming more, painting more, and learning more about me. 

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