bittersweet endings and new beginnings.

Today was my last day as a staff member for ODA. It wasn't a big "goodbye" No one cried, no one really said much. I think it's because everyone, including myself, thinks I will still be involved through the voceria, and part of me wants that to be the case. The other part of me thinks it won't be like that. 

Many folks whom I've told about me leaving staff have asked me what I will do next, and the answer is who knows. I loved my job, and I will always love helping my community, but lately, I feel very detached from my community, and from organizing, and have felt lost. Lost because I feel empty. Going through the visa process, and waiting to be able to see and hug my mom drained me in so many ways. Trying to be there for others while I was processing my own shit took so much out of me that I started to resent my job. I started to feel so much anger and hate, and that's not fair for others, but most importantly it wasn't fair to me. 

I have questioned the word Selfish many times before, mostly because I have been called selfish, and my conclusion is that it is okay for others to think you are being selfish. 

My loved ones called me selfish when I left the US, and I did that for myself. Moving gave me so much freedom, not just from undocu problems, but freedom from my judgy family (whom I love but can handle in small doses), freedom to sit down and think about my feelings and emotions, the freedom to discover who I am, and fall in love with myself. I learned to love me for me, to love my rolls, my acne, my ovarian cysts, my facial hair, my depression, and my anxiety. 

I left the classroom and was called selfish by my boss, but man oh man was leaving the classroom the best decision I could've taken for me. I left and found that I didn't need a classroom to teach. I am an amazing teacher even outside of the classroom, and I found working with ODA to be a dream. 

I am now leaving ODA's staff, and I don't think anyone is calling me selfish, so I know I am improving in how I do things, and learning that putting myself first, putting my needs and wants first, is in fact not selfish. It is simply something that we find so difficult to do, but something we should all strive for. 

I am closing this chapter, and looking up for what's next. I have no plans other than to keep writing, write more poems, and maybe even finish my book. I want to create more content for my social media and share the beauty I have found in letting go.