Hopelessness

-

 Lately, life feels like it's too much. Like there is so much happening, and I'm feeling so many emotions faster than I can actually process. 


I have been reflecting a lot on the word selfish, and what it means, and if it's a word I would use to describe myself. I had a therapy session last week, and we talked about taking care of myself and what that means, and if I am actually taking care of myself or pretending I am. 

She told me I tend to put other people's needs before my own because I think I am being selfish if I put myself first, and that is not the case. putting myself first is not selfish, it's simply taking care of myself. I have been weighing the implication of leaving or staying at my job and she made me realize that, even though I like my job, I was only renewing my contract because I don't want my co-workers to suffer if I leave, and I don't want the community to suffer either. I'm putting them before me. 

I love my job, but lately have felt super burnt out. I have felt like in everything I am doing I am ignoring myself. I thought I was okay, but I am not. I am broken. How am I supposed to be there for others when I can't even be there for myself? 

En fin, I have more reflecting to do, and I hope I am able to find inner peace again. I hate not being able to sleep at night. I hate overthinking everything and feeling hopeless. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Where have I been?

-
 Well, many of you already know, but my stepdad passed away in September. He had been in the hospital since July and things since then haven't really been the same. Add in a new job, and the never-ending pandemic I've just been feeling lost. I should be finishing my grades right now, but sitting here looking at and admiring my amazing husband I decided to write.  To the amazing man that has helped push me these past few months, thank you 💗 You have been my rock and have helped me not get stuck in my depression. You more than anyone know the challenges of being away from family and had it not been for you it probably would've taken me ten times longer to keep moving on. We made our first Day of the Dead alter together and it is a memory I will treasure forever.  To the amazing community that has been here for me checking in and just letting me vent, I love you all! From those that are here in Mexico to those that have reached out via my DMs, I truly appreciate you all. Th...
Read more

Motivation...

-
The last few weeks have been rough. Rico has named them my "blue period" lol. Honestly, I'm not even sure what made me so sad. I really thought I was okay, but my body made a huge point of letting me know I wasn't. I feel most of my emotions in my stomach and I ended up getting really sick 2 weeks ago, and that was not fun. Anyway, I don't know what it was, it was more a mixture of things that were making me sad.  Like many folks in our community, I was feeling "homesick" I was missing my mom and wished I could just get in my car and drive to her house and just watch TV with her, but sadly that is not my reality. I was missing my friends. I was feeling super lonely. There were days were I didn't talk with anyone besides Rico, and as much as I love him, he gets on my nerves too lol. I was also feeling sad about the miscarriage I had in 2019.  I know it's been almost 5 years since it happened, but that's what made me think of it. I was finding ...
Read more

Dealing with my Anxiety and Depression during COVID-19

-
If you've read some of my previous posts you know I suffer from anxiety and depression. Having both takes a lot out of you. During this social distancing time, it's been a bit more difficult dealing with them. So, to everyone that reads this and suffers from the same mental illnesses or similar ones, here's my list of how I have tried to manage them these past few days. 1. I have made a list every morning of 5 things I am grateful for. (Today's list: Being alive, being healthy, having food, coffee, and having my husband here to help me get through each day.) 2. I try to have 5-10 mindful minutes. It could be just drinking my coffee or tea in front of the window, laying on the ground listening to the sounds of the world or listening to some worship songs. 3. Do something I highly enjoy doing. This week for me it has been reading and working on my bullet journal calendar I started making last year. 4. My husband and I have cooked dinner together. 5. I started to...
Read more