Growth
Not matter where you move, if you are not able to go home for the holidays it sucks. I am really close to my family, and up until last year, I had never been away from them during the holidays. What makes it worse is that here in the Motherland we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, so that means we don’t get time off work. Thanksgiving in my house was never about the history of it, because let’s face it, celebrating the massacre of thousands of Native Americans isn’t cool. In my family Thanksgiving is about being together and enjoy each other’s company and each other’s cooking because everyone makes something different.
Last year was the first year away and man did it suck! I was still working at this school, so I had to work. In the afternoon my family facetimed me and everyone said hi and they showed me all the food they were eating, and while I was on that call, I held it together and didn’t shed a tear. One we hung up I started crying like a baby. All I wanted was to be home with my family and enjoy my moms cooking. My husband just held me and I fell asleep crying. I honestly think that between November of last year and February of this year were the toughest months of being back in the Motherland.
As it is, I have depression and, in the fall, /winter it gets worse, add in being away from home during the holidays I was a mess. I felt so bad for my husband because all he saw from me was tears, sadness, and frustration. I tried to hide it from my family and friends and pretend I was fine and that being away didn’t affect me as much as it was. Finally, in January I broke. I quit my job, and decided I had to take care of myself because if I didn’t, I wasn’t going to make it. I had started going to therapy again, and took about a month for myself. I went out a few times and rode the bus by myself and tried to explore the new city I now call home.
I began tutoring in March, and can honestly say that was when I was finally settling in. Up until then I was crying almost every day, I was feeling so lonely, and not regretting my decision but definitely feeling the consequences of it. Therapy, my support system, and my husband are what kept me going. Soon after I began tutoring my first student, I made my YouTube channel and a few weeks after I posted my first video. I was feeling so much better about my move, and I wanted to share everything I learned with as many people as I could. In April I went to visit my half sister and her kids in Puebla, and had the time of my life. Everything was going well; I was trying to post on YouTube and made this blog. I had more students and I was feeling like myself again, but then I wasn’t.
After a few weeks we got back I ended up in the hospital. I thought I was just having an extra heavy period with cramps from hell, but it wasn’t. At the hospital they ran some tests gave me some ultrasounds and informed me I was having a miscarriage. Growing up I was told it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant because of my PCOS, so I had no idea I was even pregnant. I didn’t know how to react. They gave me some pain medicine and told me to let it run its course. I was in pain for days, both physical and emotional pain. My high of finally feeling myself came right back down. For a bit only my husband and I knew what we had just gone through, and eventually we told some family and friends, but man did I crave my mom’s comfort, my sister’s encouragement, and my BFF’s hugs. It was one of my lowest moments since the move.
Summer came, and thanks to our therapist we moved on. In July we celebrated our first anniversary of being married and went to the beach. I was slowly crawling out of the darkness, and that same month I was called about a joining a program to get my TEFL certificate. Let’s back track for a moment. Back in March/April I had applied for a scholarship to join a program to get the certification, but because I’m dumb, I didn’t finish the application fast enough. The person in charge of the interviews emailed me in July to ask if I was still interested because someone had dropped and they had an opening. I said of course and in less than a week I completed the application, had the interview, and was accepted to join the cohort for this amazing program.
The second week of August I went to Mexico City for the first module. I met so many awesome people in similar situations as me, and I felt like everything was falling back into place. Everyone involved in this program has been a blessing. I was crawling out from the darkness and this opportunity gave me the push to finally get out.
Fast forward to today. I am over half way done with the program, tutor almost every day, and had our first Friendsgiving here in the Motherland. There are days I feel down, but it’s not as bad as it was last year. My husband and I cooked the entire dinner for our Friendsgiving and everyone loved it. I will always miss my family and our traditions, but this year we started our own new traditions, and I can’t wait to continue growing, making new traditions, and new memories.
After all, change is inevitable.
Last year was the first year away and man did it suck! I was still working at this school, so I had to work. In the afternoon my family facetimed me and everyone said hi and they showed me all the food they were eating, and while I was on that call, I held it together and didn’t shed a tear. One we hung up I started crying like a baby. All I wanted was to be home with my family and enjoy my moms cooking. My husband just held me and I fell asleep crying. I honestly think that between November of last year and February of this year were the toughest months of being back in the Motherland.
As it is, I have depression and, in the fall, /winter it gets worse, add in being away from home during the holidays I was a mess. I felt so bad for my husband because all he saw from me was tears, sadness, and frustration. I tried to hide it from my family and friends and pretend I was fine and that being away didn’t affect me as much as it was. Finally, in January I broke. I quit my job, and decided I had to take care of myself because if I didn’t, I wasn’t going to make it. I had started going to therapy again, and took about a month for myself. I went out a few times and rode the bus by myself and tried to explore the new city I now call home.
I began tutoring in March, and can honestly say that was when I was finally settling in. Up until then I was crying almost every day, I was feeling so lonely, and not regretting my decision but definitely feeling the consequences of it. Therapy, my support system, and my husband are what kept me going. Soon after I began tutoring my first student, I made my YouTube channel and a few weeks after I posted my first video. I was feeling so much better about my move, and I wanted to share everything I learned with as many people as I could. In April I went to visit my half sister and her kids in Puebla, and had the time of my life. Everything was going well; I was trying to post on YouTube and made this blog. I had more students and I was feeling like myself again, but then I wasn’t.
After a few weeks we got back I ended up in the hospital. I thought I was just having an extra heavy period with cramps from hell, but it wasn’t. At the hospital they ran some tests gave me some ultrasounds and informed me I was having a miscarriage. Growing up I was told it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant because of my PCOS, so I had no idea I was even pregnant. I didn’t know how to react. They gave me some pain medicine and told me to let it run its course. I was in pain for days, both physical and emotional pain. My high of finally feeling myself came right back down. For a bit only my husband and I knew what we had just gone through, and eventually we told some family and friends, but man did I crave my mom’s comfort, my sister’s encouragement, and my BFF’s hugs. It was one of my lowest moments since the move.
Summer came, and thanks to our therapist we moved on. In July we celebrated our first anniversary of being married and went to the beach. I was slowly crawling out of the darkness, and that same month I was called about a joining a program to get my TEFL certificate. Let’s back track for a moment. Back in March/April I had applied for a scholarship to join a program to get the certification, but because I’m dumb, I didn’t finish the application fast enough. The person in charge of the interviews emailed me in July to ask if I was still interested because someone had dropped and they had an opening. I said of course and in less than a week I completed the application, had the interview, and was accepted to join the cohort for this amazing program.
The second week of August I went to Mexico City for the first module. I met so many awesome people in similar situations as me, and I felt like everything was falling back into place. Everyone involved in this program has been a blessing. I was crawling out from the darkness and this opportunity gave me the push to finally get out.
Fast forward to today. I am over half way done with the program, tutor almost every day, and had our first Friendsgiving here in the Motherland. There are days I feel down, but it’s not as bad as it was last year. My husband and I cooked the entire dinner for our Friendsgiving and everyone loved it. I will always miss my family and our traditions, but this year we started our own new traditions, and I can’t wait to continue growing, making new traditions, and new memories.
After all, change is inevitable.
Comments
Post a Comment