Alone vs. Lonely

I always thought I was good at being alone and with myself. When I lived with my mom I loved being alone in my room doing whatever I wanted. Sure I was social and enjoyed going out and partying, but at the end of the day I loved going home to the comfort of my room. It was my solitude, and I loved it. 

I have always preached about being okay with being alone, and being comfortable doing things by yourself. That was until I moved. Once I come to live with my husband I found myself being alone more than I had ever been. Obviously my husband is here and we go out and do things together, but he works more than I do, so that leaves me being home alone more times than I'd like. 

At first I was terrified. For one, when I wanted to shower or wash the dishes with warm water I had to turn on the boiler and my anxiety made me over think the simple task. "what if you do it wrong and blow up?" silly thing to think of, but that's how my mind worked. So, I had to either get him to turn it on before he left or wait until he got back. The next thing was using the oven. I was terrified of using the oven because I had to turn it on using alighter or matches. Again my overthinking self would start to think "What if you do it wrong and blow yourself up?" dumb things that kept me from being productive. 

The second thing I learned was that I hated eating alone. I still do. I wouldn't eat until I was with my husband. How needy is that? Once I left my job and was home most of the time I wouldn't eat until he got home because I hated eating alone. Once he told me to go get breakfast alone and I was like "naaa I'll pass." because I didn't want to go anywhere alone. 

I was terrified of riding the bus alone. I would literally never leave my house to the point where my own neighbors would tell me "you don't go out much do you?" I felt attacked, but honestly still didn't feel like leaving my house. 

The thing was, I wasn't scared of being alone, but I was scared of feeling lonely. Being lonely is more than just being alone, and I was starting to see and feel the difference. 

I don't have many friends here, so I can't really call anyone and ask them to hang out with me. When I stopped working in January my social interactions became smaller. Being home alone I had no one to talk to but myself. Literally. Some days I'd go without talking until my husband got home. It became less about being home alone and more of feeling lonely. 

I felt like I had no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, and simply no one’s company. It got to the point to where even when my husband was home, I still felt alone. That's when I realized I wasn't afraid of being alone, I was afraid of feeling lonely. With my anxiety being lonely felt worse than I could possibly describe. In my mind I was lonely because I had no friends, no one to talk to, and nowhere to go. I started to feel like a burden if I complained about anything. I didn't want anyone to feel bad so I pretended like I was okay. but I wasn't. I felt like I wasn't just physically alone, but was alone in every aspect possible. 

My mind had convinced me that no one cared and I was alone in this world. 

I started going to therapy and told my therapist what was happening with me. She gave me a few assignments to do, and I must admit I was skeptical about them, but after a few weeks I was back to feeling okay being alone. I can say I enjoy my time alone again. I can eat alone (for the most part) and not feel any type of way, but most importantly I can be alone and not let my anxiety convince me that I am lonely. 

"The best part about being alone is that you really don't have to answer to anybody. You do what you want."      

- Justin Timberlake