A foggy mess

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If you know me or have been reading my blog, then you know I have Anxiety and Depression. I have talked about living with them both and how much they suck. Well, this week has been a fucking rollercoaster. It started off great. Had a great birthday weekend away from home, and I was feeling fine. I was on one of my highs loving life, and then as my actually birthday came around and the day seemed to drag on, I just felt my mood and energy slowly go down. I’ve talked about what these feelings come and go and I’ve learned to live with them, but I want to tell ya’ll about everything that I go through when I’m feeling down, mostly to get me to do something other than lay in my bed and listen to depressing music.

 I always joke about having a bad memory, but when I’m on my down whirl spiral, it’s not a joke. I forget everything. For example, I have homework I have to do this week, and there’s this reading I have to get done because I have a quiz on it, and I kid you not, I have read that thing, well parts of it, at least 3 times now and I couldn’t tell you what I read if my life depended on it.

 Then when I’m feeling down like this the dumbest things that shouldn’t affect me do. One of my favorite YouTube couples broke up, and you would’ve thought someone I loved died from the way I reacted. I started crying so much, like if it was me the one getting broken up with. It sounds so dumb, but everything affects my mood when I’m like this. And it goes the other way as well. A friend of mine I didn’t think would remember my birthday because I only told her once when it was sent me a sweet birthday text and I started bawling because of how sweet her text was.

 I feel extra deeply, and it honestly sucks because I feel like I cry all the time.

 Being depressed for me means functioning and acting like I’m fine, when inside all I want to do is sleep. I don’t want to eat, don’t want to shower, don’t want to even change out of my pjs. I know it’s gross, but it’s just how it feels. I am strong enough to get myself to do small things like those, even come to my tutoring sessions, but when I get back home, it’s back to my pjs and bed. I don’t even want my husband to hug or kiss me because I feel like I don’t deserve it. It’s honestly a horrible feeling.

 Be kind to others, you really never know what demons they’re fighting.

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